Transforming Anxiety

It started again a few days ago.
The anxiety, I mean.
That overwhelming feeling.
It’s a familiar feeling to me.
Almost too familiar.
It happens more often than I would like.
My shoulders tighten and lift closer to my ears; I remind them to lower and relax.

Something inside of me wants to move, to create and transform this feeling. That something knows that pain can be transformed into something beautiful. The impulse to dance, cry, write and meditate comes. I know the impulse wants to lead me to something good.

But I reject it.
Inside, I say No.
In a way, I let myself be crippled by this No.

I stay stiff. Refuse to budge. Literally. I do not move much. I only do what I have to do: shower, take the dog out, do the groceries and cook something easy. The idea of doing more scares me.

It hits me now: There is a fear of leaving this anxiety.
If I didn’t have it anymore, then what? (Tears come now.)

I’m pretty sure I would be creative. I would dance, sing, love, meditate and write. Sounds wonderful but terrifying at the same time.

Can it really be enough just to have fun? To be myself and enjoy myself?
The familiar voices come now:
Where will the money come from?
Dancing isn’t important.
Don’t just sit there!
Life isn’t fun.
You’re not moving fast enough!

Just this moment, as I let the tears flow and let go of the voices, I write.
I am writing!
I’m not stuck.
I don’t know about the next moment, but I know that right now, I am writing.
Right now, the pattern has been dropped.
And that’s more than good enough.

By Jivan Dios


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