Learning to choose myself in a relationship has been (and still is) one of the hardest things.
For years, I looked at the other.
“What does he want?”
“What is he doing right now?” And most embarrassingly…”If only he called me, I would be happy.”
For a long time, it didn’t even occurto me to ask myself, “What would I like right now?”
When I did finally start asking myself that question, I became afraid.
“What if he doesn’t want the same thing?
If he doesn’t, and I choose myself, I will lose him. Better just do what he thinks is better. Then, I don’t lose him.”
The problem is, in that moment, I lose myself!
And actually, then comes a second problem: I become un-authentic. A fraud. An actor. A child. Helpless.
And a deep pressure starts building in my chest and belly. And resentment. Anger. A type of hate. Hate that is first directed at him, for believing that he is controlling my life.
But the real hate, the deeper anger is actually towards myself.
For not choosing myself. For letting myself down. For not listening to my innocent, natural voice.
Lately, it’s gotten better. I’ve started listening. When I do choose to listen, a deep sense of calm comes. I feel full. Whole again.
The moment it happens, and it only takes a moment, not later, not tomorrow, but now.
When I choose my own impulse in this moment, I instantly grow-up, my relationship is transformed. I become a partner and not my partner’s child asking about what to do next.
In a moment, the child in me that once faced him asking for more has moved to his side, looking in the same direction, as adults.
In that moment, I feel my breath, I feel my heart.
I am free.
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